What a crazy and exciting year we’ve had since the beginning of 2012. I feel as though so much has happened in a short amount of time. In my last blog I spoke of financial hardships and my desperate need to keep the faith and to try to go back to a healthy lifestyle. Jon and I moved to an apartment, closer to Nashville, we had a beautiful and healthy baby boy, and we are still going strong. However, there are some aspects of my life where I feel I am having to start all over. As I am still unemployed, I am continuing my search for a job so that we are in a more livable situation, and I may continue to do what I love, which is to teach. I am enjoying my time spent with Micah, but I know I would enjoy it more with a more comfortable income. I am asking my readers to keep me in your prayers about me finding a job. I know that God has something for me out there. It’s just a matter of time of when He presents that opportunity and opens the door for me.
On another note, I am having to start all over with my weight loss. I gained about 55 pounds in my pregnancy. So far, I had lost 20, but gained some back. I’m not exactly sure how that happened. I haven’t been eating ALL healthy, but I haven’t been eating THAT horrible either. Sometimes I really hate my metabolism. I’ve never really been pleased with my body and how it functions. It doesn’t take much at all to make a BIG screw up. Lately, I have been trying to walk every day..or every day that I can. I started doing this at 3 weeks postpartum. I am now almost 6 weeks. I feel as though my appetite cannot be satisfied and I feel dehydrated most of the time. I am trying to drink plenty of water and fluids, and I am trying to eat protein and as healthy as I can. I’m not sure why I never seem satisfied. I am also trying to get adequate sleep and keep my energy up, keep up with the house, and balance school work as it has been very difficult with a newborn in tow.
As I am looking forward to doing real work outs after my 6 week check up coming up on Friday, I hate that I am having to start all over. I have not weight this much since I was a senior in high school…10 years ago. For 10 years I was able to keep most of the weight off, and it took having a baby to get me back to this point. I don’t blame Micah..I blame myself. Although I do question, was the pregnancy a reason or an excuse for the way I have gotten? I am now at a point where I need to lose a total of 100 pounds to reach an ideal weight. Currently, I need to lose 40 pounds to get down to prepregnancy weight. I am nursing, but I’m not seeing the weight loss from that, as people have so often talked about. Am I being impatient with that? I also hate that I do not have near the stamina anymore as I used to. I have become so sedentary. Why did I let myself get to this point?
One thing I have noticed, that probably has played a factor in my weight gain is my waning motivation. I feel as though I have lost my drive and motivation to be active and healthy as well. I am thinking is I have done it by myself for so long, that I am tired..and tired of doing it by myself. I need a strong accountability partner or group. I’ve never had one and feel I really need one. You’d think I’d have more drive and motivation by myself since I have done it before. But I feel it’s not there anymore. How did I lose it? I need someone to be by my side the entire way, who wants to do this as badly as I. I do wish it was my husband, but he’s just not in it, not as much as I want it. But it does feel like all the hard work I have done before has suddenly gone down the drain. Oh, the struggles.
I know I must keep going. Paul ran the race with endurance, as should I. I just have to put my mind to it. However, is there anyone out there who wants or is willing to be by my side through this continuous journey? I want to FINALLY reach my goal weight for the first time in my life. Even when I lost so much before, I still didn’t reach my goal weight..I was within a few pounds of it. I know how to eat healthy for the most part..I have years of my own research and working at it under my belt. I’m tired of being lazy. I’m tired of being overweight…but I am also just tired, and I feel I have let not only myself down, but I let my husband down, too. I need help. Who can help me? I need a REAL plan with ACTION. I don’t want to just talk ideas. I need someone to go out and DO with me.