This week has been hopefully the beginning of my FINAL new life. I began drinking at least a gallon of water each day, to properly hydrate myself, and to help aide in weight loss. Since I began on Monday, I hadd lost 5 pounds, then I gained 1 just this morning. Of course, I had a night out, and there weren’t many healthy options in food, so I tried to keep what I ate to a minimum. Oh, well I can lose it back, right? I know I need to keep the mindset of continuing to move forward while preventing any back-stepping, for as long as I could help it.
Then today, I thought I was going to have a good amount of energy. I ate a healthy breakfast, drank some green tea along with it, then for lunch I had a VERY healthy salad and a little soup (which was also very healthy). I spent the early afternoon out with my mom, but when we returned, I felt rather fatigued. Fatigue has been my ultimate enemy in getting anything done around the house, even though I try to fight it. I used to be able to keep going throughout the day without the need for naps, up until i got pregnant. And even 4.5 months post partum, I still have a hard time finding the energy I used to have.
I have also been trying to eat as healthy as I can, budget allowing. It’s not easy. We were given some food, which is not the healthiest, and when we can’t make a trip to the store, that’s all we have. It’s really disappointing and embarrassing.
My will power is also seemingly weaker than it used to be. I feel I cave much more easily than I used to. How was I so strong before? How did I make it through with hardly any support, nor any accountability before? I feel I need so much more of that now, and the one person, who I rely on the most, is not stepping up to the plate, like I want him to. How can I defeat this? How can I get him on the same page as me? What can I do to motivate him? I feel I have done everything, trying various methods, and NOTHING seems to work. He’s just not as committed as I want to be, but I need him by my side the most.
I’m just feeling a bit down because I have consumed a lot of water, consumed a good amount of calories for the day so far, and I still feel hungry, or deprived of something. I’m not sure what it is. I feel weak, and tired. I just don’t remember it being this hard before.
It also doesn’t help that when my mother visited me today, she decided to record video of me playing with my son. As I watched the playback, I was reminded of how much I let myself go, and I was completely disgusted with myself. How did I let myself get back to square one? Where I was in high school? I keep reliving the horrors I went through being this size. I’m even ASHAMED to be in public most of the time, because people have seen me lose the weight before, and I just let it all go. And I feel like when I meet new people, I have to justify my weight gain and show proof that I was once a size 10 at 159 pounds, I guess trying to prove to them that I can be attractive, because I’ve been there before.
I just feel I have lost my spark, and I’m trying to find it again. I have eaten and lazed myself back to the VERY beginning, a place I vowed I never would return to. I’ve broken that.
I guess it’s a good thing I recently made a new friend, who is trying to achieve many of the same goals I am. We are in very similar situations, so we can relate. I am thankful God has lead me to her. I do hope this friendship will continue to bloom and grow throughout the coming days. Accountability is so important to me right now, and I need more than just a “good job” when I complete a work out or a household chore. I need someone standing by my side, cheering me along, and not enabling my weaknesses. And I want to cheer someone along, especially that person by my side.
When it comes to eating with your loved ones, it’s like having a drink in front of an alcoholic. You tell them you are proud of them and support them, yet you continue to keep temptation within reach of your loved one(s), to a point they could easily stumble, and they have to start all over again. I know that temptation will be out there regardless, but for the ones who are closest to you, why would you do that? Doing that says you really don’t care at all, for them or yourself.
I know my emotions are just all over the place in this post, and it probably doesn’t flow too well, as thoughts just kept coming to me in the process of writing this blog. I was just basically feeling a bit frustrated and down, disgusted with myself. I know that I can pick up the ball and get there again. It’s just going to much more difficult than it was before, because I was there before. I don’t have the endurance I used to. I don’t have quite the energy, and I’m 10 years older, so age could play a factor. I need help in staying committed to achieving my goals.
Thanks for listening.